dollface_28

Just for the record, (and I'm not sure what record exactly...) it is now 2:50am and he just got home. Of course he expects everything to be okay and there is always some excuse as to why he is late.

But, I don't really feel like talking now. Imagine that...

I am finding it almost impossible to fall asleep. I have so much on my mind and I have been trying all night to think of other things. I tried taking a bath, watching TV, watching old episodes of my favorite shows on HULU...I have downloaded a number of albums just so I had something to do...but I still can't sleep.

When he left today, he said he'd be home around midnight...and guess what? It is now 12:41 and he is still not home. I am sure once he gets here, he will expect me to just be okay with everything. And, maybe I should just shut my mouth when he gets in and not say anything. I bet that would shock the hell out of him.

I think I am just upset for the fact that I asked him around 5pm if it would be okay if when he got home, if we laid together and held each other for awhile...just because I have been so sad lately with everything that has gone on this past week. And, much to my surprise he said yes.

But now, he still isn't home.

*sigh* I feel the crazy coming on...

I honestly don't know how many curveballs life is going to throw at me, but I really wish it would stop. Well, I was diagnosed with HPV back in November of 2008. I had to have a procedure done to see what type I had, for example if it was "low risk" or "high risk". I ended up having strains 16 and 18 which are considered "high risk". My doctor says that the strains that I have are known to cause 70% of all cervical cancer. Wow..isn't that fucking great?

I was scheduled to have another procedure called a LEEP procedure which is supposed to be some type of super painful procedure where they go in and scrape all the abnormal cells off my cervix...(awesome!) Well, I guess (from the best of my knowledge) they weren't able to do the LEEP procedure because I had too many abnormal cells and they are considered "aggressive".

So, they opted to take a tissue sample of my cervix and sent it to the lab. I got the results back and it seems as if the cells are cancerous (great! just what I always wanted! *sarcastic*) and my doctor said I have small cell cervical cancer, which is somewhat rare but women DO get it.

I spoke with my doctor regarding treatment and she told me that I have a few options. I can choose to do a total hysterectomy, which is removing my entire female organ system and I will have to take hormone replacements for the rest of my life. That option also means I would never be able to have children again (which I didn't plan on having more children anyway...) but I dont know how I feel about having to take a hormone replacement for the rest of my life. But, on the up-side...I'd never have a period again! (yay!)

I can also do chemotherapy combined with external radiation, which chemotherapy is just an IV of medication I would have to go to the hospital to get for a certain amount of time (probably an hour) for a number of weeks or months, and possibly more than once a week. External radiation would also require going to the hospital for a certain amount of time, but for that I just sit in a room and it's kind of like taking x-rays. I don't really do much. But, the downside to all of that is... there are horrible side effects, such a losing my hair, being extremely sick and weak, vomiting, vision changes and weight loss (that could be the ONE good side effect...LOL)

Another option is doing chemotherapy but instead of external radiation, I can do internal radiation. Which means they just stick a radioactive stick up my vajayjay for a few hours...LOL. (Once again, this is my understanding of things)...and the side effects would remain the same as with external radiation.

And then there is always the option to ignore it and do nothing. Let it eat away at my body and let myself deteriorate. This option only seems good at the moment just because life isn't going the way I want at the moment. But, not going through treatment would be selfish. Although at this moment I am upset over the loss of my relationship, I DO have friends and family who love me...and my children.

So, after I decide what treatment is best for me, I am sure I will be on this journal quite a bit.

So, here I am so frustrated with myself. Why do I keep throwing myself at him when I am clearly not what he wants at the moment? We have had an overall good day...no fighting at all. We went to pick up his paycheck today, came home and went in the spa together...everything was great.

But, of course I decide in my psychotic mind to fuck everything up by thinking I could get him to sleep with me by watching porn in front of him. Well, needless to say...that mission FAILED. All he did was roll over and fall asleep. Now, I don't know if he genuinely fell asleep...or if he was just pretending to be asleep because I made the situation VERY awkward. So, I decided to test the "sleeping" theory. I started to masturbate on the bed next to him...I knew he would feel me doing it...LOL. Well, sure enough, as I started to do it kind of roughly to shake the bed he rolled over and sighed deeply. So, I asked him, "Oh I'm sorry...did I disturb you?" and he said "No"...which got me a little upset. So, I tried to finish myself off but was so damned frustrated it just wasn't going to work.

So, you'd probably think in a situation like this I would just blow it off and go to sleep, right? Well, I suppose any NORMAL, SANE person would do that...but No, not me. I decided to ask him if he wanted oral from me...(ugh bad idea)...he wasn't mean about it...he just simply said "No". I'm starting to get extremely sexually frustrated and don't know how much longer I can be quiet and just sit back and deal with it.

I really wish there were some sort of button where I could turn off my "crazy"...because as he is laying here next to me, I am really trying to not start a fight with him or just get up and leave and fuck up all his plans for tomorrow...so THANK YOU livejournal for being here and helping me get all of this out without possibly strangling him. LOL

And the part of this whole situation that sucks the most is that I think (almost non stop) what if he never comes around? What if we just keep doing all this "song and dance" bullshit and nothing ever happens? And I know I am being completely unreasonable at this point...I mean goddamn, we were just at the point of physically abusing one another 2 fucking days ago..but here I am thinking, "hey...maybe he will want to fuck me"...YEAH...I'M AN IDIOT.

Once again, I just keep asking myself, "Why can't I just give him the fucking space he keeps asking for?" and I somewhat know the answer to that question...because even if I give him space, what does that guarantee? It doesn't guarantee that we will get back together, it doesn't guarantee that we will even be friend 6 months from now.

But, I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle. Part of me is saying, "Maybe if I do give him all this space he needs, we will get back together and things will be okay one day." and then the other part of me is saying, "Even if I give him this space, what if he leaves in a month or two? Or what if he starts dating someone else?" (oh no...I DO NOT EVEN WANT TO THINK OF THAT) and then there's the part of me that says "Maybe we could just be friends..." LOL but that part doesn't really sound so good to me. LOL

Well, I don't really know what to do...so if anyone has some advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated.

So, I decided I needed a day away and went to spend it with friends. I had hoped my friends would get my mind off my troubles...but it failed. My dearest friend and his significant other decided to argue the entire time which A) made me feel uncomfortable....and B) made me realize I could have just stayed home if I wanted to be subjected to fighting.

But, I voiced my opinion and eventually they stopped. My original plan had been to drink alcohol until I couldnt feel anymore...but that plan failed as well. No matter what I drank, I still had HIM on my mind...and I'm sure talking to him through text didnt help either.

We (my...well...i don't really know what to call him at this point...) decided to try to communicate better and attempt to not argue anymore. Although we are NOT back together, we still live together, therefore we need to find a common ground to be on. We cannot continue to be on the path we have been on. It has been so destructive to both of us for far too long.

He decided he wants to have a day away on monday, which I said was fine...but I also brought up the point that we can't keep running away from each other...or our issues. So, he agreed that this wouldn't become an all the time thing...but we will see what happens and how that goes.

One thing I am happy about is that he agreed to keep an open mind about potentially getting back together one day. I'm sure this will come with many stipulations...as it would be pointless to get back together if neither one of us changed. I can honestly say that this time I am going to put forth the effort...but I can't say what he will do. He's a bit unpredictable about things like this.

I don't expect him to wait around for me to get better...but I do expect him to try to change and communicate better with me...even if we don't end up as a couple ever again...he still needs to change just as much as I do so we can atleast have a friendship for our child's sake.

But, of course my ultimate goal in all of this is for me to figure out my issues, learn to love ME so I can in turn love him the way he deserves to be loved and treat him the way he deserves to be treated...and obviously we would end up back together with no problems...

*sigh*....Ahhh...in a perfect world.

As I sit here, I have disappointed myself once again. I cut myself...and I had been so good about NOT doing that for over a year now. I will admit that it felt so good to watch my blood pour from my arm. It was peaceful...calming. A feeling I have not felt in several weeks.

When our relationship ended this past week, I went crazy...they typical reaction from someone like me. I try to make him stay by threatening him, using violence against him...until he finally broke tonight. He grabbed me and punched me so hard in the chest. I felt as if I almost couldn't breathe. I stumbled back and he grabbed my shoulders...grabbed me so hard. I have never felt that kind of force from his hands before. He shoved me onto the bed and pinned me there. He spat in my face and screamed at me, asking why I was making him do this. Why was I trying to control him...that I need to accept that it was over.

And even in that moment, as terrified as I was by the look in his eyes...all I could say was "I can't...I love you". At this point he pulled me up and held me. He grabbed my face and told me, "This is not love...this isn't love." But, I am so crazy in my head that I truly believe this is love. This is what I have known my entire life.

We've never had a normal relationship, he and I. We began as a couple moving too fast. Planned to have a baby (which we do) and get married within the first 6 months of dating. There was infidelity on my part (due to the fact I was a prostitute for a good part of our relationship.) He knew about it the entire time, and although I feel it did bother him at times...he never put his foot down and made me stop, which I'm sure is part of the reason why I have so many bottled up feelings of rage towards him. Not to mention that anytime we got into an argument, he would tell me that I was a whore and all I am good for is selling my ass for money.

I have always tried to be the "tough" girl...putting up the facade that nothing bothers me...but when he tells me those things...I break inside. I snap and I feel as if I have no control over what I do to him. I will slap, punch, shove...break his belongings. I want him to hurt the way I do. But, in the end...the only person I am hurting is myself. I am pushing the man I love further and further away.

I honestly don't know if I have it in me to change. I'd like to think I do, because I love him and I don't want him out of my life or our child's life. But, ultimately, if I don't change...that is exactly what will happen.

I suppose I will have to do exactly what he wants to make him happy...or who knows, even if i do what he says...he still wont be happy. So, thats where this journal comes in. Anytime I am feeling bad or frustrated...I can come here and talk to it.

I can just be here...organizing my thoughts and giving him his space he so desperately wants.