- Can't get no satisfaction...
- July 12th, 2009
So, here I am so frustrated with myself. Why do I keep throwing myself at him when I am clearly not what he wants at the moment? We have had an overall good day...no fighting at all. We went to pick up his paycheck today, came home and went in the spa together...everything was great.
But, of course I decide in my psychotic mind to fuck everything up by thinking I could get him to sleep with me by watching porn in front of him. Well, needless to say...that mission FAILED. All he did was roll over and fall asleep. Now, I don't know if he genuinely fell asleep...or if he was just pretending to be asleep because I made the situation VERY awkward. So, I decided to test the "sleeping" theory. I started to masturbate on the bed next to him...I knew he would feel me doing it...LOL. Well, sure enough, as I started to do it kind of roughly to shake the bed he rolled over and sighed deeply. So, I asked him, "Oh I'm sorry...did I disturb you?" and he said "No"...which got me a little upset. So, I tried to finish myself off but was so damned frustrated it just wasn't going to work.
So, you'd probably think in a situation like this I would just blow it off and go to sleep, right? Well, I suppose any NORMAL, SANE person would do that...but No, not me. I decided to ask him if he wanted oral from me...(ugh bad idea)...he wasn't mean about it...he just simply said "No". I'm starting to get extremely sexually frustrated and don't know how much longer I can be quiet and just sit back and deal with it.
I really wish there were some sort of button where I could turn off my "crazy"...because as he is laying here next to me, I am really trying to not start a fight with him or just get up and leave and fuck up all his plans for tomorrow...so THANK YOU livejournal for being here and helping me get all of this out without possibly strangling him. LOL
And the part of this whole situation that sucks the most is that I think (almost non stop) what if he never comes around? What if we just keep doing all this "song and dance" bullshit and nothing ever happens? And I know I am being completely unreasonable at this point...I mean goddamn, we were just at the point of physically abusing one another 2 fucking days ago..but here I am thinking, "hey...maybe he will want to fuck me"...YEAH...I'M AN IDIOT.
Once again, I just keep asking myself, "Why can't I just give him the fucking space he keeps asking for?" and I somewhat know the answer to that question...because even if I give him space, what does that guarantee? It doesn't guarantee that we will get back together, it doesn't guarantee that we will even be friend 6 months from now.
But, I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle. Part of me is saying, "Maybe if I do give him all this space he needs, we will get back together and things will be okay one day." and then the other part of me is saying, "Even if I give him this space, what if he leaves in a month or two? Or what if he starts dating someone else?" (oh no...I DO NOT EVEN WANT TO THINK OF THAT) and then there's the part of me that says "Maybe we could just be friends..." LOL but that part doesn't really sound so good to me. LOL
Well, I don't really know what to do...so if anyone has some advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated.